Being Attractive Is About More Than Just Appearance

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. 

In most species, it is the male that is the colorful and flamboyant attractor of a mate. Within the human species of our culture, that role seems to have been transferred to the female. Therefore, this column is for women only —  women who are genuinely seeking a mate. It is also for women who want to be attractive to the mate to whom they are already relating. Here are some hopefully helpful hints on becoming irresistibly attractive to the man you want.

The first and foremost concept to understand is: If you are not half of a couple, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Being single is not a symptom of some underlying problem. Know that you do not need a relationship with a mate in order to be happy and fulfilled. A relationship cannot fix whatever you may lack within yourself. If you need to heal something in your life, do it with a professional, not within a relationship to a mate.

Realize that it is usually the woman who chooses the man and creates the relationship. Women are much more skilled at creating intimate relationships than are men. A recent survey of happily married couples revealed that the woman was aware of the man as a potential mate, on the average of three months prior to the man realizing it.

Women have a “jump-start” on attracting a mate. “A man chases after a woman until she catches him” is right on the mark. Therefore, stay focused on your intentions to build a relationship with the man you’ve chosen for a mate. A highly intentional woman is extremely powerful.

Take extremely good care of yourself. Don’t wait around for a mate before you have a nice home, travel, have fun, become financially secure, or enjoy your lifestyle. It is not up to a man to take care of you. That is your job. Make self-care your number one priority. Exercise, get enough sleep, eat nutritious food and develop your personal talents, abilities and strengths. No matter how “good” you are (and you already are very good), you can always become better. As a side note, you will most likely meet the man you want while pursuing your own interests.

Strengthen your self-confidence. If you behave like a lioness, you won’t attract needy sheep. You will attract a lion. Become aware that you are desirable, sexy, appealing and attractive and you will behave that way. You will attract the desirable, sexy, appealing man.

Take time to study what other women do for themselves that men find attractive. Then do for yourself those same things. Personal development is highly attractive to an emotionally mature male. Nothing is more appealing to a man than genuine self-confidence. Incidentally, it will also frighten away the needy, the immature or the “user-of-women.”

Novelty is appealing. Do something novel. If you are in the habit of staying home, go out. If you habitually go out on dates, or attend social events, stay home for a change.  If you always eat the same thing for breakfast, try something new.  If you are in a rut in any aspect of your lifestyle, get out of it.

Stay naturally curious and open to new experiences, new ideas and opinions, and new relationships.  Women who genuinely find other people fascinating, are very attractive themselves. Remain receptive

to new experiences and gently curious about others and their experiences. You’ll become magnetic!

Surround yourself with healthy women friends. Learn what they do that works for them. Learn what they have done to build a healthy, intimate relationship with a mate. Then experiment and practice the same. You will know soon enough what works for you as the individual that you are.

Finally, always be true to yourself.  Don’t settle for less than you want. And never compromise your own value system because you think it is not appealing to men. Respect your own integrity and honor your own values, and you teach a man to relate to you in precisely the same way.

Make these hints a part of your life, and you will become the colorful, flamboyant attractor of the ideal mate you desire. Then, who cares what other species do to attract mates?

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life coach who lives in Wellington. He serves on the faculty of the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton 2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.